I Smoke Myself to Sleep.

This day is possibly the most perfect fall day weather that I have ever experienced: sixty-something with no clouds in the sky, and I was lucky enough to score an outside seat at Espresso Royale, where I sit in my raddest hipster-outfit... writing on my angsty blog. Sometimes I am just too much for myself! Artsy and such with lots of exposed calf-muscles.

Of course, the man to the left of me was just as lucky with his large pack of mentholated Newports that he insists on smoking incessantly. The woman next to me is smoking as well and "not well" as she (a landlord, I gather) is on the phone with her lawyer. The wind is changing directions and either way just results in ashes on my jeans. I have turned up Joshua Radin to irritate them away and, thus far, have failed in my attempts.

I don't have much to say, but sometimes I just enjoy letting my thoughts flow obnoxiously long (like the voicemails i leave on ridiculous answering machines).

Interesting tidbits in the life of John:

Xu (my accounting TA-guy) decided to announce when our first surprise quiz is occurring. However, he wouldn't tell us what it would cover... except that we should "pay attention to chapter 8 and make sure to look over pages 396-411 in our textbook." Oh Xu, you are so sneaky. How will I ever decipher your cryptic emails? I'm surely doomed to fail your course. However, your simple class is leaving me with an A- sitting at 95%. There is something illogical about those curve numbers.

Someone chose to "deface" the phone book attached to the pay phone in front of me, changing "Dex" to "Dextrose". If that isn't offensive, I don't know what is. Note to science-nerds (I'm not claiming immunity): when you choose to deface anything, try to throw in some sort of racist or sexist slur coupled with a signature marking your territory. It will convince people that you are actually hardcore... and spreading ignorance. Isn't that the point of graffiti? No, I think not.

On top of that, an Escalade driver is trying her very best to parallel park into a spot clearly only wide enough for a Prius.

I am now officially into changing into a completely new outfit at about 11:30 every day. I just can't stay out of my own closet!

I got the new Dashboard CD (and it's like they put a new one out every time I start a new relationship). That's a weird thought, actually, because it's actually about right the more I think of it. "Would it kill you breathe?" Maybe it would, Chris. Maybe it would.

"Don't pull that bullshit with me. Canadian twenty? This is America." I enjoy catching tidbits of cell phone conversations.

I want a daffodil. I want to always roll my pants up, because it makes people wonder if I actually bike or if I'm just a big douchebag. I would obviously regret to inform that it was a little bit of btoh. I want a Cabernet Sauvignon-fueled dance party. I want to be able to weave together a Halloween costume in the nick of time. I want people to wonder why I'm wearing a tie. I want to be notorious like James Dean and JFK and Elvis. I want to be so famous that I have to have my babies in Africa. I want denim and denim and denim and True Religion and Rock and Republic Seven for all Mankind and other brands that sound like social uprisings or post-hardcore bands. I want to not be asked on a date at work. I want to be so alive that it feels like my pores are splitting and giving life to everything around me. I want to reek of awe and wonder and Thanksgiving dinners. I want to be the colored-page of the newspaper, even if that means that I have to pose as the funny-page. I want a week off. I want to be credit-card debt free and decaffeinated and fueled by something other than grande lattes and franzia and anxiety.

"and I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."

I believe in clean breaks. Chris just made me think of that. I have recently said (and maybe always known) that I can never promise anyone I'll always be in their life as long as possible. I'm not like that. I'm a train who constantly switches tracks. I'm more of a helicopter: loud, roaming, all-seeing? Maybe not, but I'm trying to gain some perspective or something.

I believe in spirituality and karma and karma and religion that is more of a guideline than a hard-fast rule. I think everyone understands their own religion completely, especially those that just don't believe in religion at all. I believe that you can appreciate what you have without ever losing it. I believe that not everything happens for a reason. Somethings just happen. I believe in emo haircuts and self expression and leopard print and maybe even juicy couture sweatsuits and Uggs. I believe in forging your own style. Julie told me today that even though I don't match I was "starting my own trend." Maybe that's the key. Maybe, you always match and you always know what's going on... because at least you know that you don't know.

Scratch that helicopter thought. I'm more like a grasshopper. See how small my line of vision is? Every now and then I can jump to see so much more, but never everything... just everything I see.

Style is about being confident. If you think you're pulling it off, you're pulling it off. That's probably the only thing Banana Republic will teach me. If you think your shoulders look big in that blouse, they do. If you think combat boots match with caramel cashmere dresses, well they probably do.

I think that I'm done for now. Sometimes, I just need things like this to be stable and all-encompassing and karmically-inclined and open. Glasnost. Etc.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you. Tomorrow I'll miss you. Remember I'll always be true, and, dear, while I'm away I'll write home everyday... and I'll send all my loving to you.

All my loving.

Wonderful Or Something

1 :: I will not frown just because I feel like frowning.

Lately, I haven't been able to breathe for more than a minute each day, and I'm not sure if this lack of spare time is really such an awful thing. I'm not happy unless I'm on the verge of something (whether it be a vacation or a mental break down). I always need something to look forward to.

I am looking forward to halloween and notre dame and losing to wisconsin and first paychecks all over again and christmas and rainy day mixes and my wife's notes and being home for the weekend and crying during movies and new york and my dad making me coffee again. These are the things I think of when my oxygen supply seems to be dwindling.

Otherwise, I just consume an obnoxious amount of caffeine and it seems to get me through.

2 :: I will do things that make me smile.

I am learning how to smile when I want to. I can sing michael buble at the top of my lungs while riding through the rain. So, maybe I will. And just maybe I will drink campagne and throw dance parties all by myself. Expect phone calls and listening to me using up my family's rollover minutes, because why would I want to call you only during nights and weekends?

I will stop buying things to feel better, maybe. I will pretend that I am Kara Nesvig and wear leopard print whenever I feel like it... even if it is just a pair of leopard print underwear. I will reveal too much to people that I don't know, because I like to feel exhibitionistic. I will stop fearing bright colors.

3 :: I will never stop checking my hair in semi-reflective surfaces... even if I go bald.

Constant As A Northern Star

I have been boiling with impatience this week (the emotion, not the simple flowers that remind me of my mother). I am not tolerant of ignorance or defense mechanisms or joy.

I am this turbulent hurricane of emotion, and right now I'm standing in the eye of the storm. There is an eerie calmness about the silence of my kitchen at this time in the morning. Of course, at some point, my roommates will stumble in loudly and break another of my cheap possessions. Regardless, I feel like I can absorb all things from all directions (empathetic as follows: the way I imagine sea turtles to be [arms outstretched and such]).

I do this to myself every now and then (but mostly now). I, exhausted, have stretched myself thin into the night (with a strand of several long days behind me, and longer ones ahead) to accomplish nothing but almost-perfect peanut butter cookies from scratch and darker black circles under my eyes. Nights like this wax and wane introspection with a slight emphasis on my ego. It is Saturday night (or Sunday morning, for the nit-picky) and I have opted to ride my bike to Lund's (more details later) to bake. Why? I wanted to bake. I wanted to be Giada De Laurentiis whipping up some gelato for the surprise dinner party I happen to be throwing tomorrow night.

On my bike... (on the way to Lund's of course, because I feel glamorous there), a number of odd things happened in the fifty-block-total ride through one of the worst neighborhoods in Minneapolis. 1) I was called Lance Armstrong; 2) I was offered a blowjob (from three drunk girls, undeniably freshman looking for a ride); 3) I was almost hit by a car; 4) I was told by pedestrians to get off the sidewalks; 5) and by cars to get off the road; 6) I got two bad feelings (one each way in the same spot, in between 12th and 13th on University).

I hate fucking up. Probably more than anything, because I'm a real Virgo: critic, narcissist, perfectionist, constantly unhappy. I hate A minuses and cookies that are crunchy in an unpleasant way and dirty kitchens and fumbling over my words and shoes that don't match and not opening up credit cards. In review, if it isn't perfect, I'm not really a fan. At least I can acknowledge my flaws (though, if I fail to attempt to change, is it acknowledgment at all?) I confess. Virgo, Libra rising.

I believe that everything happens in threes.

I was asked on three dates today. None of them very conventional.
- To learn chopstick fluency at a sushi bar.
- To try on cowboy boots at some store on Lake Street (seriously.)
- To an opera (the only one I considered, before I realized the nature of the excursion).

Right now I only want three things:

I want to wear a scarf and not look stupid.
I want a four-point-oh.
I want to feel like I don't need caffeine to transfer oxygen to my bloodstream.

"I could drink a case of you, darling, and still be on my feet."

We're Busy Still Saying Please

So. Thirty minutes until accounting.

My 'karma for the day' was simply "play."

I wrote and re-wrote this twice, but syllables are failing me. I am overwhelmingly happy and sad and not even sure that's possible, but I'm ready to take on the world's problems and remain tranquil and spread more happiness than sadness and bake more and hug more and smile more and shrug less.

Oh, how I would love to shrug less and speak more.

Today, I will dress for success.
Today, I will get involved.
Today, I will give a damn about something

(or nothing as long as it's something).

In other news, I don't like being twenty.
It is pretentious and pompous and makes me feel the same.
I'm already ready for Botox and collagen injections, but barely out of diapers.