I really need to sleep right now (because getting up at six in the morning has never really agreed with me), but I think that maybe I need to write a little more.
I am missing something ("something" like a point or the key to my perfection or a box of cheap wine). It might just be the fact that I really, really miss going to church. It's a weird sensation that I haven't felt for a while, but I always feel so grounded after church. I feel a little lighter, because I really do have the world by the ass (like my mom always tried to inform me).
I need some perspective. I need some more scotch tape to mend and coagulate and temporarily suture my life back together. I need millions of dollars. I need to live in poverty on the corner of Nicollet and Seventh. I need I need I need I need I need. I need Sufjan Stevens and Regina Spektor and Chris Carrabba. I need to stop being so vindictive. I need to destroy my hate list once and for all. I need to organize the junk drawer of my memories and grudges and frustrations. I need to Feng Shui my life. I need a fucking moral compass. I need to stop saying "fuck." I need to stop thinking "fuck." I need to stop fucking around.
I stuffed this semester's schedule full so I won't have to deal with all of the angst that I've internalized from Christmas vacation and summer vacation and that awkward period that I'm trying to leave behind, known as my "formative years." I've got class evenly spaced out to consume my entire life and persona. It was a bad move on my part. I thought that it would make me focus on success and my future, but all it does is draw my mind back to tired thoughts of failure and dark clouds and swirly angst and really long bangs and how no one, like, gets me and other things emo kids think about frequently.
Seriously, though, I'm a pair thick-rimmed glasses and Converse All-Stars away from being the perfect portrait of an emo kid. I already have the tight jeans, hair, and attitude.
And maybe the whole truth behind this purposely over-dramatic entry is the fact that I'm starting my volunteering position tomorrow and this is about as nervous and insignificant as I have felt in the longest time.
Maybe since last February.
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1 comment:
perspective is a funny thing, and i always find myself thinking about it. i feel stuck in my perspective of things and want to look at things in a new light, but i don't know if i can. i hear where you are coming from by missing "something". i feel as tho i have been searching for something for years.
to quote dwayne from little miss sunshine, "do what you love and fuck the rest", and hopefully while doing that the something will appear.
p.s. we should chat it up some time, cos i feel as tho we are on the same page concerning many things...
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