Some Things In College Just Kick

College. Yes.

I realize that I am neglecting the true loves of my life by not writing on here. I've wanted to write for forever, but I was afraid to let you all down. Besides, I was much too busy failing a physics exam and writing my first book of haikus. Seriously.

The University is amazing. I mean you've gotta love the freedom, and great shoes, and no parents anywhere telling you what to do (thanks, meredith). There's just that whole thing that gets in my way... class. I will talk more extensively in this later, but for now I'd like to take a minute to reflect on 18 years.

Eighteen has literally come and gone. It feels so weird, like I no longer have an excuse to be reckless, I'm not going to be a teenager in a year. ...In one year, I will actually be required to be mature and responsible and rational. It's just that whole toothache that is putting a damper on my chipper mood. Reality. When did it become so real?

Well I guess I'm still making bad decisions. I'm still singing out loud. I'm still walking to and from the shower in my towel making the awkward kids blush. I'm still wearing those tight jeans and too-short shirts. I'm still angry and joyous and spontaneous and young. I'm still John and I'm still allowed to be awkward and free. I have a feeling that I'll always be eighteen on the inside. It was my favorite year so far, and it's tough to let it go. Who thought I'd be having a mid-life crisis at nineteen?

You know what they never tell you when you're off to college? It's going to be hard work. Everyone in college seems to leave that out when describing their experience, and I always put a damper on the mood when I bring it up. I guess I'll just let everyone out there live the lie that they can head off to college with as much vodka as they want... and a great job and lover will just fall into their hands.

People are breaking. Stress stress stress, and all I can do is turn nineteen and try to deny that I'm being tested. How powerful can I become? How bad do I want the life I'm choosing?

We Are Invisible/Desirable/Invincible

I'm an advocate of finding personal freedom in everyday life. It keeps me strong and sane.

Find your five seconds of freedom every day. That means releasing yourself from some unwritten (or written) rule. Clip one chain each day, because freedom isn't free: it's gotta be stolen.

Break the mold.
Walk barefoot.
Listen to the music that no one else appreciates.
Cry when you shouldn't.
Laugh when it's inappropriate.
Say hi to a stranger.
Hang out with your siblings.
Sing out loud in a parking lot.
Skip to your next class.
Smile.
Scream.
Kiss.
Love.

Live.

I Laugh More Than I Cry

So I went in to work wayyy to early today only to realize that I left my wallet at home. Meaning that I can't get into my lab, because I don't have my access card. So, I went to Caribou for an hour and then I walk on over to Nick's. Good story, I know. Tomorrow is my last day.

I'm ready for college to start, because, frankly, Rochester has so very little to offer me this last week. All of my really close friends have departed, and I have no job to complain about. Basically, I'll be bored as hell every day of the week. I'll probably be going down to visit Sam, Allie, Kim, and Heather in Winona for a night, and so that will rock some bitches yo.

To sum up, Minneapolis is looking better and better.

So Many Ways To Begin

01. Publish an anthology of poetry
02. Be cited on wikipedia
03. Become fluent in a foriegn language and have a meaningful conversation with someone who doesn't speak any English
04. Learn how to play "Rough Draft" by Yellowcard on the guitar
05. Leave the house wearing an entire outfit, head to toe, designed and created by me
06. Live in an apartment in Chicago for one full year
07. Live on a beach in California for one full year
08. Design, or co-design, the floorplan to my own house
09. Write a semi-autobiographical novel
10. For an entire year, make every gift I give with my own two hands
11. Watch a World Cup game live
12. Be someone's mentor
13. Be vegetarian for one year to gain a different perspective
14. Fall in love
15. Develop a steady workout plan1
6. Eat at Movenpick, and ride on a paddleboat in Lake Lucerne, Switzerland, again
17. Paint something that I can be proud of years later
18. Graduate from college with honors
19. Only eat greasy fast food twice a month for five years straight
20. Give up all pop for good
21. Cook an entire dinner for friends from scratch
22. Visit Asia for an extended period of time
23. Take an indefinite vacation
24. Find a job that I love
25. Leave anonymous presents for five friends: Things they want but would never buy themselves
26. Kiss in the pouring rain
27. Study abroad in an English-speaking country
28. Surprise someone I hardly know with flowers
29. Re-visit the Louvre and walk through every room
30. Take a spontaneous road-trip to God-knows-where, just up & go with no destination
31. Collect 10 lists just like this and help each person cross off at least one goal
32. Start and maintain a website that begins an online community
33. Participate in a book club
34. Read 200 novels, cover to cover.
35. Find a form of meditation that actually de-stresses me
36. Wing tattoos
37. Have a role in a Shakespearean play
38. Learn PHP coding
39. Paint my own house (outside and inside)
40. Own/Maintain a flower garden
41. Invent something that is useful
42. Swim with dolphins
43. Go on a Safari in Africa
44. Attend a ComicCon dressed as a character from a video game/comic book
45. Have my palm read by a "professional"
46. Be an extra in a movie
47. Spend at least one full 24 hour period in all fifty states
48. Take a dance class
49. Adopt a little Asian girl and see her graduate from high school
50. Complete EVERY item on this list before death

I Saw The Look In Your Eye

I've decided.
I need to be rescued.

…except I'm not entirely sure what I mean when I say that. Minds rush to EMTs in ambulances (the hospice is…) or knights in shining armor with swords to strike down dragons. It's completely ambiguous, but so fully meaningful at the same time. I need to try and health-up my life and I need to work out and be motivated to write and be strong… and I need to motivate someone else to do the same…

I think…
To let you save me, I need to save you.
It's a most inconvenient paradox.

I would be heavenly,
if, baby, you'd just rescue me now.

I'm ready to leave, but I need someone to push me out the door. I'm throwing pebbles on love's window and all I need is for the light to come on and the shades to open. My mind just soaks in the rain, and I need someone to wring it out with a kiss. It's always hard to tell if you're simply wading in love… or if love is drowning you. My head is spinning.

Sometimes things just get you. Like how Matt Nathanson and Ben Folds in the rain can break my heart. Now that I have found someone… I'm feeling more alone,

…then I ever have before.

We Can Wait For The Wind To Blow

Sad to say, I have no universal truth to reveal today. I just feel like it's been a little too long since the last time I wrote. Life recap:

I saw Step Up and John Tucker Must Die. Step Up was a cliche dance-movie and no matter how hot the lead male is, it just couldn't make up for the terrible acting. The dancing wasn't as cool as other movies with similar plotlines (aka Take the Lead, which I would watch again over Step Up any day). Other people loved it, but I'd say that Channing is not exactly what I'm looking for in terms of redeeming movie qualities.

John Tucker Must Die. Quality. Not the best, but I would consider buying it to watch. It was clever, but the ending was a little bit of a drag. The lead girl was my favorite. She was like a cute cross between semi-normal-pant-sized olsen twins and kate hudson. I love all three of those people, so meshed into one was pretty lady.

Let's see. My friends are dropping like flies and I'm too tired to feel bad or nervous about school. I stay out until one or two and then get up at nine because my body is incapable of letting me sleep in. Or yesterday I was asleep by eleven, but got up at two to go to Cassie's going-away-thing at Perkin's. I didn't get home until three and had to be dressed and at work by seven. Let's just say my eyes have the darkest circles they have had in months. I feel like I could seriously use something to make them go away. I could go all Ashlee Simpson and get plastic surgery.
Anyway, I'm off to do some interesting science research on facebook!

This Is The End Of You And Me

1st Issue:
I'm not a fan of Gee Dubs, but I honestly don't believe he is trying to undermine our democracy. Let's be serious for like fifty seconds, people. He is just going about solving American problems in the way that he feels is right… or the way his puppeteers feel is right. If he is honestly trying to undermine our democracy and control the country, he's doing a pretty shitty job. It seems like if he wanted to, he could use a few lessons from Hitler or Stalin.

I think a major issue facing us, as Americans today, is pseudo-anarchy. Okay, so we don't support the current president. I don’t. There is no need to slash constantly. I realize that trying to talk through problems never actually works in politics, but can we please try to ride this out? The bush-bashing is almost as bad as Bush himself. I could do without it.

If you didn't vote, you have no right to complain. And if you don't vote again next time, I'll put a boot where the sun don't shine.

2nd Issue:
I work in a lab that contains radioactive materials, which means I can't drink my coffee in here, and I have a whole mug out in my locker. Unnecessary.

...For The Moment That I've Been Anticipating...

It's over. We're goners.

If there's one thing that I know, it's that it's best to let it roll.

Just For The Record...

When Justin T tells you to get your sexyback. He doesn't mean rub your sweatyback on the nearest person.

Black and White mixer? Check
Twelve year old hoochies? Check
Awkward sweaty grinds with random drunks? Check

...all the makings of a great night. I just hope the pictures turned out as well as they looked on the cameras.

Run Away Faster Than Ever Before

Slowly, slowly, slowly… I am realizing the goals I set for myself are a little too high, and possibly impossible. Let's outline the big ones.

School: I plan on graduating in four years with a double major in Biomedical Engineering and English (apparantly the U doesn't have a creative writing program, so I might have to create it for myself), while, at the same time take the three extra classes that qualify me for pre-med. I want to learn a language, which won't possibly fit into my schedule. I would like to learn to dance (breakdance, actually, as lame as that sounds) and give real massages and cook italian and chinese and maybe take a class on giving other people something to start smiling about. Really smiling. Not for photographs.

I want to sing, and not just in my car.

Writing: I want to complete my first novel and be satisfied in a little less than 13 months. Sounds like a cakewalk, but I'm no novelist, just a perfectionist with a severe problem with procrastination. My goal was to publish before 20 and I lowered it to having a complete manuscript by twenty. How this is balancing with school? No idea.

Travel: I want to visit about 50 different countries, literally, and somehow stay in them for more than a week each (that's like a year and a half of traveling and only spending money. Among the top countries on my list: Spain, England, New Zealand, Korea, China, Japan, Costa Rica, Nicaragua.

Travel2: I want to go on a year long mission trip to a place of poverty. Peace Corps, or something along those lines. Oddly enough, I would also like to start a non-profit organization if I ever get on my feet enough to have any one of my dream houses.

Life: I want to somehow manage to own at least 3 houses. (One in Italy, Chicago, and California). I say at least, because there are about 7 different places that I want to live.

Life2: I want to find someone that I can handle who can handle me for the rest of my life. For some people, that is their ONLY goal, and they may never achieve it. Not to mention, I want two cute children. Seriously cute. I'm picky. :P

Life3: I want to speak different languages to connect with people that I meet.

Life4: I want to somehow write and save lives or make some medical discovery. Those are two very opposite goals… unless I write self-help books, but I don't consider that real writing. Real as in this-book-may-or-may-not-hold-some-universal-truth-that-isn't-just-given-to-you-outright. It is my weirdly strong belief that no one ever learned anything vital by having it told to them.

An the list literally goes on for miles. "Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." I hate that saying. What is among the stars? Literally empty space. Nothing.

I want the damn moon, and I won't settle.